Why Must the world treat you fairly ? Is it Rational to EXPECT ?

Bullies can only have power over you if 

you consent to let them use it

Pani Leni GANG nannu Target chesina Roju.......   

Bullying by Brooks Gibbs

1- What do you think about bullying?

I think bullying (non-criminal aggression with intent to psychologically overpower another person) can only exist if there is a victim present. If someone is offended (or emotionally victimized) by unwanted behavior and feels powerless to stop it, we call it bullying and say it's a problem. However, if that same person is not offended by that behavior, there is no victimization and therefore, no problem. So the issue is not so much the behavior, but rather, one's interpretation of that behavior that creates a problem.

It's not what happens to us that matters most, but rather, our interpretation of what happens. "Bullying" (as we call it) only exists because we feel psychologically inferior and emotionally offended by other people's behavior.

2- What does the word BULLYING mean to you?

I think "bullying" is the most unhelpful word in our current culture today. There is no foreign language equivalent to the English word "bully" and therefore I think it is unnecessary. It has become a catch-all phrase for any unwanted behavior.

If you think about it, calling someone a "bully" is nothing more than a judgment term (name calling) that ironically is the very behavior we all say we are against. I don't like to use the word "bullying". I find that when I talk with people if the word "bullying" is in the conversation, logic is not. You can not reason with someone who is blaming others for bullying them. A person who labels other's a "bully" is often blinded by their own anger and riddled with the offense. That is why when a parent or child comes to me for help, I insist that they use more helpful words that describe specific behaviors (example: name calling, social exclusion, criticism, online insults, etc).

After 20 years of working in the sociological field of aggression and peacemaking, I have found that helping people use alternative words to describe what happened to them is half the battle of getting them help. Unfortunately, the #1 reason why we cannot solve the "bullying" problem in the world is due to the unhelpful judgment term "bully". I have created a "Meanness Matrix" to help people better describe what happened to them, rather than labeling it bullying.

3- Has bullying always existed?

The academic literature says that "bullying is aggression" that can be identified by three main factors: "an imbalance of power, intent to do harm, and repeated over time." This is describing only one of three forms of aggression. This particular form of aggression is better referred to by sociologists as "dominance behavior" and not "bullying".

Dominance behavior can be found in every home with more than one sibling, in most workplaces, in every competitive sport imaginable, and more importantly: in every species of animal. Everything is eating and being eaten and life's most primitive tactic for survival (or winning) is "dominance". Dominance is necessary for survival in every domain on planet earth and is interwoven into the fabric of our conscience. That's why it doesn't need to be taught, it is instinctively known by every life form.

Humans, for example, are wired for this type of aggression in the amygdala which is housed in the limbic system of our brain. We have fight/flight instincts when feeling attacked or threatened. The desire to dominate rises up in us as a survival instinct. Ultimately the "dominance instinct" is a gift from God that has allowed us to survive when threatened by those forces that seek to destroy our very existence. If we lived in the wild, we would rely more heavily on this instinct. However, today in civilization we need to learn how to keep this instinct under control- or else we will find ourselves having social problems with others.

4 - Can we “end” bullying?

We are not able to "end" bullying. Sure, saying we can "end bullying" looks good on a poster or in a social cause campaign, but it's not in touch with reality and not helpful to say such a thing. I do, however, believe we can STOP bullying behavior. There is a big difference in my mind between ending something and stopping it.

We can't cure all living things of the desire to dominate, but we can teach people how to dominate as leaders through competency and service rather than a primitive carrot and stick. We can teach targets of unwanted aggression on how to avoid being psychologically dominated by others, thereby stopping the bullying behavior.

For example,

if I want someone to stop chasing me, I stop running. 

If I want someone to stop yelling at me, I ask them questions in a whisper and wait for a response.

If I want my little brother to stay out of my room, stop messing with my stuff, and quit being annoying I simply offer him a hug, kiss, and say sweet things to him every time he tries to come in my room. I will quickly find out that my little brother doesn't want anything to do with me or my room.

People who are looking to psychologically torture me through mean behavior will quickly find out that nothing they do bothers me. As long as they are not physically hurting my body or property, I have a tremendous amount of emotional resilience and will not allow them to frustrate me.

To me, bullying is nothing more than a game about winning and losing. 

If they can upset me, I lose and they continue to win again and again.

If they can't upset me, I win and they feel like a loser and rather quickly want to leave me alone. I learned most of this from my mentor School Psychologist Izzy Kalman.

5- Would you say aggression is bullying?

I want you to treat me well, but unfortunately, you don't have to do so.
When you don't treat me well, you are not a bad person rather a
fallible human being who is treating me in a wrong way. 

Sort of. I would say that “Bullying” is only one form of aggressive intent. The other two forms of aggressive intent are "humor" and "victimization". I've created something called "The Aggression Trifecta of Intent" which is a VINN diagram that shows the three reasons why people are mean.

•  They are either trying to psychologically control me (dominance/bullying),
•  Trying to make a joke about me (humor), or 
• are hurt by me (victimization).

Once I figure out WHY someone is aggressive, it very easy to know how to stop the aggression.

•  If they are trying to dominate/bully me, I don't get upset and demonstrate to them that their behavior has no effect on me.
•  If they are trying to make a joke about me, I laugh and consider making a joke about myself to demonstrate emotional health.
•  If they are hurt by me, I ask them why and then genuinely apologize.

6- Do you consider bullying a crime?

Bullying is a word that describes the intent behind someone's behavior. It doesn't describe anyone's behavior. So, therefore, no I don't consider it a crime... just like I don't consider "humor" or "victimization" to be a crime. These are intentions.

Crimes should only be behaviors that objectively hurt or threaten to hurt someone's body or property. To criminalize behavior that has the potential to hurt someone's feelings is immoral and a violation of both the ancient Golden Rule as well as article 19 of the United Nation's Declaration of Human Rights.

7- In your opinion, for a person to stop bullying, is it helpful to understand these nuances of aggression?

Yes, the best way to STOP bullying behavior is to simply understand why someone is being mean and refuse to get upset over their mean behavior. It demands that you are emotionally resilient and take personal responsibility for your own feelings and stop blaming your feelings on others.

All social sciences (especially CBT Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) teaches that no one can make you angry, hurt your feelings, or upset you. It's not what they do that affects you emotionally, it's your thoughts about what they do that upsets you. 

• If you change your thinking, you will protect your feelings.

This is why emotional resilience education is the key to help people who needlessly suffer as victims of relentless teasing, taunting, and bullying.

•  Once a target of mean behavior realizes that the mean person intends to hurt their feelings, that target can smile and demonstrate to the aggressor that 

• Nothing they do will have any emotional impact on them. Once they do this, they will see that the mean behavior quickly stops!

Only half of my work is spent teaching the nuances of aggression. The other half of my work is teaching people how to process aggression in a way that doesn’t upset them. I’ve created simple mind-hacks that help people stay in control of their emotions and maintain happiness.

8- If you were a victim of bullying how would you act?

I would act just like my son. Recently, I took my 9-year-old son to a youth camp. He seemed unusually excited about it. On the drive to the camp, I asked him why he was excited. 

He replied, "I hope someone tries to bully me today!" I was shocked that he would say such a thing, so I asked him why he said that. He replied, "because I want to practice my skills".

So right then and there, I drilled him in preparation for his camp. I said,

 "What if someone makes fun of your freckles?" He said,

• "I'll laugh and make fun of my freckles better than they ever could." "Okay", I said,

 "what if you accidentally hit someone in the eye with a ball and they want to punch your face?" He said,

•  "I'll apologize before they can throw the first punch." "Alright", I said, 

"What if someone calls your mother a mean name?" He said,

•  "I know that they are trying to upset me, dad. They can call her all the names they want. I don't care!"

I am so proud of my 9-year-old son. He gets it. It is impossible to bully him because he knows how to deal with the various forms of aggression and refuses to play the role of a victim. I want to be just like him!

[ p.s - 100 people calling my dad as the female doesn't make him female...One lakh people calling my mom as male...Lol doesn't make her a male...so why bother? ]

NOT by wrath but by Laughter...

You can kill the gravity - Zarathustra